The Weekly Round-Up

On this week's episode of the Star Squad's favorite TV show, America's Next Top Model (as if we needed to clarify), Allison was still confsued, Aminat was still fierce, Teyona was still dumb, and, least surprising of all, Celia was still just too damn old.

At the age of 25, Ms. Celia got herself booted, despite winning the challenge and giving what seemed to be one of the better photo shoots (a fate much like that of season 8's Renee, the third woman standing, who, despite being only 20, suffered, in Tyra's eyes, a similar disability because of all that stress from raising a kid, having a husband, and, you know, life). Of course, with Celia's age bestowing upon her with both wisdom and maturity, she handled her departure with calm and reason, and graciously thanked Tyra without tears and said good-bye to the little girls that remained, while poor baby bird Allison looked on, utterly distraught.

In judges' news, Paulina and others were downright shocked that Teyona couldn't dance, what with being black and all. Meanwhile, Nigel continued to undress Aminat with his eyes while Tyra continued to hate on her, presumably since she reminds Tyra of Naomi Campbell. But that's okay Tyra, we forgive you, because we too have been unreasonable when under the influence.

Now see here, this week's episode wasn't just same old. No, this was a very special episode. Maybe the most special, because in it we found the truth. The truth about Tyra.

For a moment there we at the Star Squad wondered if all those over-the-top ANTM antics and Tyra's general better-than-you attitude was actually one big gag, but suddenly, this week, it dawned on us. All those inexplicable Tyraisms, the angry outbursts, the sudden moodswings: Tyra's a boozer.

We thank the editors of ANTM who decided this was the week to illuminate us with shots of Tyra falling, stumbling, mumbling and trying, unsuccessfully, to keep her eyes from moving (clips to come, possibly). So thanks ANTM editors! We owe you one.

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MEANWHILE, over on 90210 (could CW's programming get any better?!), Dixon was justifiably upset with Silver ("It's like she has a trump card because she's bipolar."); that creepy guy told Annie that she's "a volcano waiting to explode," when what he meant to say was that he wants to explode his volcano inside of her; Adrianna freaked out because she got stressed and "took drugs," even though she only took one (unidentified) pill, which caused her so much panic that some members of the Star Squad were convinced it must have been a lethal pill, which resulted in a very anti-climactic ending; and Navid kept hanging around despite the pregnancy, the crazy AND the lack of sex (he says it's love, but shit, we here at the Star Squad are keeping it real, and we're here to tell you ain't no love good enough to be foregoing sex).

And that's our Wednesday round-up. Check back next week for a review of the ANTM finale! It promisex to be riveting (predictions: Allison pulls it together and gets into the final 2, miraculously delivers a stunning runway walk and wins). But what with all that alcohol flowing, who knows what'll happen.