Something Else About a Kooza

I Said What??????

2009-05-31T13:31:00.000-07:00

This weekend the Star Squad actually had work to do, and sure enough we just almost got around to it, until we discovered the website texts from last night. We loved it so much that we'll be featuring our very own damned and dirty messages right here.

The player:

Neon Fantasies

Astro Glider

Meteor Showers

Solar Eclipse

And special guest

Bodie Smalls

This week on "I Said What????????":

4:30am

NF: i'm at this boy's house but he fell asleep and now i'm naked drinking pacifico and smoking his weed kind of bored want to meet up?

2:14pm

AG: jeff krulik is my friend

3:37pm

NF: i've been sitting on the train for 30 mins. i even have a flirtation going. and some enemies.

2:02am

AG: Tits

NF: Pussy rubbed tits

AG: Tits with lacerations

NF: Tits with herpes

NF: AND gonorrhea

12:07am

AG: wow. is the baby in the toilet?

2:01am

SE: hey are you still watching the oxygen network?

NF: no i've moved on to BBC America and online shopping

SE: Oh order me a snuggie i'll pay you back tomorrow

NF: should i get you some male enhacement pills too? you know you can never be too prepared

SE: i only use the pump... get me a fire swing too, thank you so much this is really going to help me

9:43pm

NF: What are you doing tonight???

BS: At dinner with maggie and some friends. What are you up to?

NF: I'm at a bar in BedStuy where Astro Glider is bartending. I want to see you tonight. I look like a picnic!

NF: Ditch them

NF: Come to me

NF: I need you

NF: I'm having a seizure I need your help.

NF: What kind of friend are you??? I'm having a seizure and you're not even here

10:02pm

BS: Dude 90210 OUTRAGEOUS

6:31pm

NF: I was blackout by the time you left. Or so I assume because I don't remember when you left.

1:41am

NF: oh my god tomorrow is 4/20!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I might have to delay my trip to DC so we can celebrate.

1:07am

MS: You shouldn't have left everyone is taking pity on the girl with no friends (me) and getting me drunk

NF: Come here

MS: Haha alright but are there any hot guys?

NF: Lots. And I'm not just saying that because I want you here. Come. We'll tag team there are lots of options

1:28am

MS: Wondering if we should just leave and not tell him

NF: Absolutely

MS: I would not trust him with my children

A Story About the Rise and Fall of My Self-Esteem

2009-05-30T16:29:00.001-07:00

Today my roommate ran a half marathon.

I slept until four and read texts from last night.

My roommate went to bed at 11:00 to rest up.

I got home at 7am and crashed on the couch because my room's too messy to sleep in.

My roommate's goal for the summer is to run a full marathon.

I'm hoping I can learn to roll a joint.

Overheard

2009-05-18T21:32:00.000-07:00

Welcome back! Overheard is the Star Squad's newest series, following on hits such as "On the Phone," and "Wednesday Weekly Round-Up." Here you'll find all sorts of things those wacky kids are saying over at Neon Fantasy's house (aka Star Headquarters).

This week:

"Just because he's black and he's a rapper everyone assumes he sucked the peen."

"Ohhh! I thought we were talking about cinematic analogies for bi-racial babies!"

"We are not your fag hags."

"Why is this two years ago? Wikipedia didn't stop in 2007."

"Make everyone look soft and fleshy."

"Amber lighting is the sepia of real life."

"I personally would want to be a veloceraptor because they're sleek like sneakers."

"I'm not talking. I'm drunk."

"Buy an Edge condominium to stimulate the economy"

2009-05-18T13:36:00.000-07:00

Oh yeah, because the frenzy for overpriced condominiums hasn't had anything at all to do with the current economic crisis.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C7XOBAYOtcU

Apparently they also flew a banner that read:

"Sarah Palin

Come Live Here

See Wall Street"

Oh corporate irony...

A home for orphaned denim

2009-05-18T13:35:00.000-07:00

Summer is almost here! Now, we all know what that means, all you kids cutting the legs off your jeans. So my question is, what happens to these discarded legs? What becomes of the remains from last years bold denim purchases?

I propose you send them to us! Yes send us your legs! Here at the Star Squad offices, we have some plans to keep these lost denim boot cut jeans still alive.

For all serious inquiries of denim leg drop offs please feel free to Email us at FunWithPepper@gmail.com for further instructions.

Thanks kids, see you in the streets in your lil shorts

Real Housewives of New Jersey, an introduction

2009-05-18T13:33:00.001-07:00

This weekend, the Star Squad got in on the action with a lively viewing of the show's first episode. Let's meet our cast:

At the center of it all are sisters Caroline and Dina whose "blood is thicker than water" motto resulted in their marriage to a pair of brothers. Caroline, her husband and Dina's husband run one of those fancy schmancy banquet halls where they employ two of Caroline's three grown kids. Not surprisingly, those babies call on mommy to tie their shoes and knot their ties, despite not being babies at all, while child number 3, on his way to law school, gets teased for "buying books to actually read." Of course, what's to be expected from a guy whose aspirations are to be the "face of strip clubs and car washes"?

Then there's good-girl Jacqueline, married to Dina and Caroline's brother, whose defining characteristics seem to be a somewhat clueless niceness and really, really big tits. Jacqueline finds herself stuck between sister-in-law Dina and friend Danielle, a recently divorced 40-something whose desperation extends beyond even the botched boob job and Michael Jackson-esque nose and the blind date with GucciModel, a man she met online who fucked her over the phone but refused to give his name (or show up to their date, it turns out). Have to hand it to her, though, she certainly puts it allllll out there.

Then there's stage mom Teresa, married to an "entrepreneur" whose "in construction," who shows up at a furniture show room where everything looks the same and nothing is under $1000, and manages to drop $120,000 - IN CASH. You've got to hand it to Bravo - they don't go half assed when it comes to ethnic typecasting.

Stay tuned, next week we've been promised kidnappings and a Colombian cartel...

The Weekly Round-Up

2009-05-17T19:42:00.000-07:00

On this week's episode of the Star Squad's favorite TV show, America's Next Top Model (as if we needed to clarify), Allison was still confsued, Aminat was still fierce, Teyona was still dumb, and, least surprising of all, Celia was still just too damn old.

At the age of 25, Ms. Celia got herself booted, despite winning the challenge and giving what seemed to be one of the better photo shoots (a fate much like that of season 8's Renee, the third woman standing, who, despite being only 20, suffered, in Tyra's eyes, a similar disability because of all that stress from raising a kid, having a husband, and, you know, life). Of course, with Celia's age bestowing upon her with both wisdom and maturity, she handled her departure with calm and reason, and graciously thanked Tyra without tears and said good-bye to the little girls that remained, while poor baby bird Allison looked on, utterly distraught.

In judges' news, Paulina and others were downright shocked that Teyona couldn't dance, what with being black and all. Meanwhile, Nigel continued to undress Aminat with his eyes while Tyra continued to hate on her, presumably since she reminds Tyra of Naomi Campbell. But that's okay Tyra, we forgive you, because we too have been unreasonable when under the influence.

Now see here, this week's episode wasn't just same old. No, this was a very special episode. Maybe the most special, because in it we found the truth. The truth about Tyra.

For a moment there we at the Star Squad wondered if all those over-the-top ANTM antics and Tyra's general better-than-you attitude was actually one big gag, but suddenly, this week, it dawned on us. All those inexplicable Tyraisms, the angry outbursts, the sudden moodswings: Tyra's a boozer.

We thank the editors of ANTM who decided this was the week to illuminate us with shots of Tyra falling, stumbling, mumbling and trying, unsuccessfully, to keep her eyes from moving (clips to come, possibly). So thanks ANTM editors! We owe you one.

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MEANWHILE, over on 90210 (could CW's programming get any better?!), Dixon was justifiably upset with Silver ("It's like she has a trump card because she's bipolar."); that creepy guy told Annie that she's "a volcano waiting to explode," when what he meant to say was that he wants to explode his volcano inside of her; Adrianna freaked out because she got stressed and "took drugs," even though she only took one (unidentified) pill, which caused her so much panic that some members of the Star Squad were convinced it must have been a lethal pill, which resulted in a very anti-climactic ending; and Navid kept hanging around despite the pregnancy, the crazy AND the lack of sex (he says it's love, but shit, we here at the Star Squad are keeping it real, and we're here to tell you ain't no love good enough to be foregoing sex).

And that's our Wednesday round-up. Check back next week for a review of the ANTM finale! It promisex to be riveting (predictions: Allison pulls it together and gets into the final 2, miraculously delivers a stunning runway walk and wins). But what with all that alcohol flowing, who knows what'll happen.

On the Phone with Ian Ziering

2009-05-17T19:35:00.000-07:00

Well, we didn't actually get on the phone with Ian, but we did call him and it would probably have been awesome. Just last week we called Jeff Krulik (of "Heavy Metal Parking Lot" fame), but it ended similarly. Our friend request is pending - and likely dependent on whether he noticed our status update: "calling jeff krulik"

Stay tuned, next time we may just get through.